Well, I broke my resolution. Instead of blogging I've been looking around and reading other blogs, trying to get some sort of handle on what I want to say. It's difficult for me. I don't like to share my thoughts and feelings. I prefer to keep them rolled up tight in their dark inner place. Keep it happy. Keep it safe. No worries, no waves.
But things have been changing. That tight little place isn't so so cozy anymore. The darkness that once was so warm is empty now. Those feelings and ideas that were once my friends now seem in danger of becoming my demons. It's stifling there. It hurts.
But how do I let these things out? I need to find my voice...to find the me in all of this. Not in a selfish, self-centered way. In order to find where God is leading me, I think I need to better understand just who He is leading. Who is she...where are her words?
I now begin the journey anew.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
I Resolve...Sorta
In the somewhat forlorn hope that I can keep these, I have made two resolutions. One, that I will blog much more often. I'll shoot for at least one posting each day. Two, I will try to steer away from politics. At least the national kind. Politics usually makes me irritable, and I'm tired of reading my griping posts.
I hope that by posting each day I'll make a strike against one of the more debilitating features of my Asperger's Syndrome. The problem is, I can't post because it's not perfect. At least, not to me. This touches every aspect of my life. If it's not just the way I think it should be, I can't bring myself to do it. I can't think of a single project, word or action of mine that has come close to meeting my standards of perfection. So when this tendency runs amuck, which it often does, I have to force myself to do anything at all. (Well...getting out of bed is easy enough, but after that it starts getting complicated.)
So, in order to post every day I'll have to express myself more freely, and with less mental editing. No more "It has to be profound or I can't write." Of course this doesn't exclude praying about what I write. That should always be part of the process.
I'm obviously not writing for the masses anyway; just for myself. I'll see how it works out.
I hope that by posting each day I'll make a strike against one of the more debilitating features of my Asperger's Syndrome. The problem is, I can't post because it's not perfect. At least, not to me. This touches every aspect of my life. If it's not just the way I think it should be, I can't bring myself to do it. I can't think of a single project, word or action of mine that has come close to meeting my standards of perfection. So when this tendency runs amuck, which it often does, I have to force myself to do anything at all. (Well...getting out of bed is easy enough, but after that it starts getting complicated.)
So, in order to post every day I'll have to express myself more freely, and with less mental editing. No more "It has to be profound or I can't write." Of course this doesn't exclude praying about what I write. That should always be part of the process.
I'm obviously not writing for the masses anyway; just for myself. I'll see how it works out.
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