A Bit of the Aspie Life

For a long time I've wanted to update this blog. For one reason or another it just didn't take. Once I lost an entry when I couldn't connect to Blogger. Just as well, really. It's now floating somewhere in cyberspace, alone and lost, like the orphan it deserves to be.

Often, though, I've had a thought and just been too tired to do anything with it. Partly it's because I have hay fever. But mostly it's because I have Asperger's Syndrome.

Asperger's can be a rotten thing. In one way or another, it touches everything in my life. Like this blog. Should I write or should I not? What can I write about? Is my topic suitable? What makes a suitable topic? Is my writing good enough? Will anybody read this? I'm sure all bloggers have these thoughts, more or less. But they don't agonize over it constantly, for hours.

And it's not just my blog. I can have a crisis about anything. Should I wash the dishes now, or later? Will I do it well enough? What if the dishwasher leaks again?

Jobs outside the home are just the same. I constantly analyze my own performance and wonder if it's good enough. This all sounds very self-centered, but it's not. I don't, can't see the world, or myself, the way "normal" persons do. I've always felt as though all human interaction, all human activity operates under a set of rules I can never understand. Body language is foreign to me. I can't see the "hidden meanings" in the words of others. (I never even knew that words could have hidden meanings until I read about it in a book!)

So I spend a lot of time in my own world, in the company of my own thoughts. It's a safe place, happy and warm. As long as I stay I don't have to struggle with the hidden world beyond myself.

But I sometimes wonder if anyone else will ever know what it's like to see the world through my mind. Will anyone ever care?