For a long time I've wanted to update this blog. For one reason or another it just didn't take. Once I lost an entry when I couldn't connect to Blogger. Just as well, really. It's now floating somewhere in cyberspace, alone and lost, like the orphan it deserves to be.
Often, though, I've had a thought and just been too tired to do anything with it. Partly it's because I have hay fever. But mostly it's because I have Asperger's Syndrome.
Asperger's can be a rotten thing. In one way or another, it touches everything in my life. Like this blog. Should I write or should I not? What can I write about? Is my topic suitable? What makes a suitable topic? Is my writing good enough? Will anybody read this? I'm sure all bloggers have these thoughts, more or less. But they don't agonize over it constantly, for hours.
And it's not just my blog. I can have a crisis about anything. Should I wash the dishes now, or later? Will I do it well enough? What if the dishwasher leaks again?
Jobs outside the home are just the same. I constantly analyze my own performance and wonder if it's good enough. This all sounds very self-centered, but it's not. I don't, can't see the world, or myself, the way "normal" persons do. I've always felt as though all human interaction, all human activity operates under a set of rules I can never understand. Body language is foreign to me. I can't see the "hidden meanings" in the words of others. (I never even knew that words could have hidden meanings until I read about it in a book!)
So I spend a lot of time in my own world, in the company of my own thoughts. It's a safe place, happy and warm. As long as I stay I don't have to struggle with the hidden world beyond myself.
But I sometimes wonder if anyone else will ever know what it's like to see the world through my mind. Will anyone ever care?
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6 comments:
Hi!
Found you on blogexplosion.
I am confused by this post. I am sorry you have this anxiety, but all these things that may or may not be 'good enough' - good enough for who? Do these judges have the right to complain, or only the right to do it their way, themselves, if they don't like your version?
Anyway - nice blog.
I don't want you to think yourself a charity case by my saying I feel badly about your condition, and for what it may be worth, wish you didn't have to deal with it.
I don't want you to think me disingenuous or callous when I say I find myself fascinated.
You said:
"I've always felt as though all human interaction, all human activity operates under a set of rules I can never understand."
Perhaps that is why you are a Christian. I find most search for belonging and dogma for comfort. And belief for answers.
My only question would be why god saw a need to afflict you sI also found you on Blog Explosion.
www.smellybadger.com
All I can say AWESOME blog! The other half and I just got back from Home Depot and I needed a huge break. I am working on a project right now that is based on pennsylvania home owner insurance. I have literally been on-line for 4-5 hours doing research. Even though your blog really isn�t on the same page as pennsylvania home owner insurance I am certainly glad I came across your blog. There are a ton of great view points on this blog. Well I think I can here the kids calling in the background. I put you in my web favorites and I will certainly come back and visit. If you want to take a peek at my site you can find me here at pennsylvania home owner insurance. I update my site very frequently.(as time permits!) Again, awesome job blogging and I will be back again soon!
Sick site, I like the way you put it together.
Group Activities in Counseling Adolescents
http://www.amt-ch.com/
Regards,
Gerald E.
http://www.amt-ch.com/
Group Activities in Counseling Adolescents
In spite of having this condition, you seem to live a very full life, and that's something very admirable!
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