My Catholic Guilt Vs. Murder

I just read this article on an upsetting film about a pedophile priest and the seemingly indifferent bishops who covered for him and allowed him to molest more boys. Besides making me angry at the Bishops and the hierarchy in general, it reminded me of an unresolved conflict in my own life.

I was raised a Catholic. My mother was more tolerant of other faiths than many Catholics of that time, but still she often expressed fears that I would leave the Church and thus be locked out of Heaven forever. She passed away several years ago. Since then I have, indeed, left the Catholic Church. While I never believed the part about apostate Catholics going to Hell, I still feel guilty about leaving, and worse, raising my mother's grandchildren as Protestants.

But really, I can't raise them as Catholics, for three reasons. One is, we live in the Bible Belt. The nearest Catholic church is so far away that attending every week, or even every month, would be impossible. Even if my children were Catholic they would barely be aware of it. We can't afford to move.

Then there is my dear, beloved husband. He was raised a Southern Baptist, and loves their energetic sermon style. He thinks of hearing Mass as something like getting anesthetized for major surgery, only in big, hard chairs. I could not count on his support in prying the kids out of bed for church.

As a Catholic I knew a number of priests. I know how the celibacy rule tends to winnow out straight men, at least those with a healthy attitude toward women. I have seen how the priesthood is attractive to some young homosexual men. They are attracted for many reasons, but some think that as a priest they will be given the strength not to practice their sexuality. They see the priesthood as the only way for them to be in a state of grace with the Church and thus with God. When the temptations multiply but the strength never comes it's not surprising that some become twisted into pedophiles.

So here's my third reason. The real clincher. We have a young son. He's very handsome, even if I say so myself. Given what I know about the pressures of the priesthood I would feel compelled, in the spirit of fairness, there is something I would have to say to the priest before I joined the church. It would be along the lines of, "If you have any tendancy toward pedophilia, please leave this parish now. I'm considering joining. If my husband finds out you're even thinking of molesting our son he will likely kill you. And, God help me, I'm not sure I'd want to stop him." But how in the world could I say that? and how could I not?