I'm ailing again, so please forgive me if this post isn't as coherent as it should be. I simply can't seem to stay well these days.
Yesterday my son, E., and my daughter, A., were in the children's Christmas production at our church. E. had a speaking role and performed it beautifully. A. was in the chorus.
In the past, A. has had problems with speech development, his temper and paying attention. He has improved greatly in the past year, but still has occasional flareups. So I was a little concerned about how he would do in the show.
On Saturday, at the next-to-last practice, he was perfect. So I started to relax. Too soon. On Sunday E. had the squirmies.
The Children's Minister had directed everyone to stand still and keep their eyes on the audience. This was lost on E. He sat down. He stood up. He watched himself on the screen next to the altar. He looked everywhere but in front.
I really started to worry when he noticed the scenery behind him. A flat piece of wood with a musical score on it started to shake. I began to envision what would happen when it fell.
I was embarrassed, but I love my son, and I know the other church members love him too. They proved that when he was hospitalized two months ago.
Then something struck me. It was one of those little moments of grace that happen to us from time to time. I thought to myself, the nice, easy-going people of the world seldom oppose the entire religious, political and social structure. Jesus never sinned, of course, but the strength of character he showed must have come from somewhere. Maybe, just maybe Mary had a few moments like this with Jesus.
Everything worked out. The backdrop didn't fall, and both children received many compliments. Before the next church production I'll have a talk with E. about standing still and looking at the audience. But in the meantime I'm going to cherish this child of grace. Grace that is sometimes difficult to receive, but grace nonetheless.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Thursday, December 07, 2006
I'm Back...For Now
As anyone can see, I haven't been blogging in awhile. I've been sickly a bit recently, and I've been reading and thinking a good deal about the Methodist Church and Christianity in general. I've been very much wanting to write about that. But because of the way my brain is wired, I have difficulty gathering my thoughts together into a coherent whole. I want my writing to be precise, well-organized and interesting, but I can't figure out how to do it. And the effort is time-consuming and painful.
But I need the discipline of writing. I need to put those words together, difficult though it is, if only to work out for myself what I believe.
So here we go again.
But I need the discipline of writing. I need to put those words together, difficult though it is, if only to work out for myself what I believe.
So here we go again.
Friday, October 06, 2006
My Catholic Guilt Vs. Murder
I just read this article on an upsetting film about a pedophile priest and the seemingly indifferent bishops who covered for him and allowed him to molest more boys. Besides making me angry at the Bishops and the hierarchy in general, it reminded me of an unresolved conflict in my own life.
I was raised a Catholic. My mother was more tolerant of other faiths than many Catholics of that time, but still she often expressed fears that I would leave the Church and thus be locked out of Heaven forever. She passed away several years ago. Since then I have, indeed, left the Catholic Church. While I never believed the part about apostate Catholics going to Hell, I still feel guilty about leaving, and worse, raising my mother's grandchildren as Protestants.
But really, I can't raise them as Catholics, for three reasons. One is, we live in the Bible Belt. The nearest Catholic church is so far away that attending every week, or even every month, would be impossible. Even if my children were Catholic they would barely be aware of it. We can't afford to move.
Then there is my dear, beloved husband. He was raised a Southern Baptist, and loves their energetic sermon style. He thinks of hearing Mass as something like getting anesthetized for major surgery, only in big, hard chairs. I could not count on his support in prying the kids out of bed for church.
As a Catholic I knew a number of priests. I know how the celibacy rule tends to winnow out straight men, at least those with a healthy attitude toward women. I have seen how the priesthood is attractive to some young homosexual men. They are attracted for many reasons, but some think that as a priest they will be given the strength not to practice their sexuality. They see the priesthood as the only way for them to be in a state of grace with the Church and thus with God. When the temptations multiply but the strength never comes it's not surprising that some become twisted into pedophiles.
So here's my third reason. The real clincher. We have a young son. He's very handsome, even if I say so myself. Given what I know about the pressures of the priesthood I would feel compelled, in the spirit of fairness, there is something I would have to say to the priest before I joined the church. It would be along the lines of, "If you have any tendancy toward pedophilia, please leave this parish now. I'm considering joining. If my husband finds out you're even thinking of molesting our son he will likely kill you. And, God help me, I'm not sure I'd want to stop him." But how in the world could I say that? and how could I not?
I was raised a Catholic. My mother was more tolerant of other faiths than many Catholics of that time, but still she often expressed fears that I would leave the Church and thus be locked out of Heaven forever. She passed away several years ago. Since then I have, indeed, left the Catholic Church. While I never believed the part about apostate Catholics going to Hell, I still feel guilty about leaving, and worse, raising my mother's grandchildren as Protestants.
But really, I can't raise them as Catholics, for three reasons. One is, we live in the Bible Belt. The nearest Catholic church is so far away that attending every week, or even every month, would be impossible. Even if my children were Catholic they would barely be aware of it. We can't afford to move.
Then there is my dear, beloved husband. He was raised a Southern Baptist, and loves their energetic sermon style. He thinks of hearing Mass as something like getting anesthetized for major surgery, only in big, hard chairs. I could not count on his support in prying the kids out of bed for church.
As a Catholic I knew a number of priests. I know how the celibacy rule tends to winnow out straight men, at least those with a healthy attitude toward women. I have seen how the priesthood is attractive to some young homosexual men. They are attracted for many reasons, but some think that as a priest they will be given the strength not to practice their sexuality. They see the priesthood as the only way for them to be in a state of grace with the Church and thus with God. When the temptations multiply but the strength never comes it's not surprising that some become twisted into pedophiles.
So here's my third reason. The real clincher. We have a young son. He's very handsome, even if I say so myself. Given what I know about the pressures of the priesthood I would feel compelled, in the spirit of fairness, there is something I would have to say to the priest before I joined the church. It would be along the lines of, "If you have any tendancy toward pedophilia, please leave this parish now. I'm considering joining. If my husband finds out you're even thinking of molesting our son he will likely kill you. And, God help me, I'm not sure I'd want to stop him." But how in the world could I say that? and how could I not?
Cameras on Ambulances
Last week was rough for my family. My son fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Thankfully all turned out well and apparently he wasn't seriously ill. But riding in the ambulance gave me a new perspective on unthoughtful drivers.
The ambulance was running with sirens and lights, but many drivers refused to pull over. They just stayed in front of the ambulance, slowing us down. I oculd understand if heavy traffic had blocked the right lane. But this was quite early, before the moring rush, and it would have been easy to move to the right lane and pull over. It was bad enough. What if my son had been more ill, and died because these drivers kept him from getting to the hospital in time? I'm sure it's happened more than once to others.
Obviously too many people care more about getting to their destination on time more than they care about the welfare of others. So let's do something about it. Let's install a camera on each ambulance, like the ones police cars have. Run these while the ambulance moves, but set up the camera so that if the ambulance is blocked by a car the camera will focus on the car's licence plate. Photos of the car, and the plate, could then be transmitted to any police in the vicinity, who would give the ambulance time to move on then find the driver and present him with an expensive ticket.
I realize this would be one more job for our already overburdened police. But hopefully just knowing that they're being watched, and that a considerable fine awaits would make some people take a few seconds to pull over. And something needs to be done. No matter where the driver is going, even if his job is on the line, it's not worth a human life. Especially the life of a child.
The ambulance was running with sirens and lights, but many drivers refused to pull over. They just stayed in front of the ambulance, slowing us down. I oculd understand if heavy traffic had blocked the right lane. But this was quite early, before the moring rush, and it would have been easy to move to the right lane and pull over. It was bad enough. What if my son had been more ill, and died because these drivers kept him from getting to the hospital in time? I'm sure it's happened more than once to others.
Obviously too many people care more about getting to their destination on time more than they care about the welfare of others. So let's do something about it. Let's install a camera on each ambulance, like the ones police cars have. Run these while the ambulance moves, but set up the camera so that if the ambulance is blocked by a car the camera will focus on the car's licence plate. Photos of the car, and the plate, could then be transmitted to any police in the vicinity, who would give the ambulance time to move on then find the driver and present him with an expensive ticket.
I realize this would be one more job for our already overburdened police. But hopefully just knowing that they're being watched, and that a considerable fine awaits would make some people take a few seconds to pull over. And something needs to be done. No matter where the driver is going, even if his job is on the line, it's not worth a human life. Especially the life of a child.
Friday, September 22, 2006
The Devil and President Bush
I don't care for the Bush administration or many of its policies. But I have to agree with them about President Chavez's speech in which he called President Bush "el diablo" - the devil. The devil is the ultimate purveyor of evil, the "lion who seeks whomever he may devour". Even Bush's most hateful opponents wouldn't give him that. Also, as the opposite number of St. Michael, the chief of the angelic armies, the devil would be strong and clever, a most formidable foe. Surely he'd never invade Iraq without some kind of exit strategy. It's just too silly for a serious response.
As for Chavez's other accusations, whether Bush is a "liar" or a "tyrant" is still being widely discussed. I have my own opinions, but for now I'll leave it up to others.
As for Chavez's other accusations, whether Bush is a "liar" or a "tyrant" is still being widely discussed. I have my own opinions, but for now I'll leave it up to others.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Saudis Consider Banning Women From Mecca Prayers
For awhile now I've been curious as to why a woman would ever become a Muslim. From what I've read on the internet and elsewhere, evidently it happens, even to intelligent women. But unless the woman involved was brainwashed or had absymal self-esteem, I've never been able to understand it. Items such as this one don't help.
It seems that officials in Saudi Arabia are considering banning women from saying prayers near Islam's most sacred shrine in Mecca. Some people say women are already being kept away. Women already have few rights in this country. They aren't allowed to drive. They have to get permission from a man just to get a job, travel or stay at a hotel. But the religious authorities behind this thing claim it's just an effort to ease chronic overcrowding, which causes dangerous riots.
If this is the case, why target just women? Since women are barely allowed to leave the house in this country, most of those making up the crowds must be men. So why not just set up remote prayer sites and allow no more than a certain number of the faithful to pray at each site? This could disperse the crowds over a larger area, perhaps for miles if necessary. Of course this would take them a distance from the Grand Mosque. But surely if the leading imams said this was okay that would be good enough for most pilgrims.
In the article it's implied that they want to do it because they're afraid that the sight of a woman praying will cause the men to riot. As one woman countered
So first we have the burqas, then restrictions, and now this. The implication seems to be that Arab men are such horney so-and-sos that the sight of a woman, any woman, drives them insane with lust. Maybe I'm naive, but I just don't believe that.
The authorities are saying that although the women's areas would be further back they would be much larger and have a better view of the shrine. When I read that I keep hearing in my mind "Why yes, we only let them ride in the back of the bus. But it's really nice there."
True, this is only in one country. But Saudi Arabia is an Islamic state, ruled by sharia. So it's a good example of the Islamic mindset. Historian Hatoon al-Fassi says it probably won't happen because the rest of the Muslim world should make the decision, not just Saudi Arabia. And a group of Muslim women writers are sponsoring a petition against it. So hopefully the more moderate will prevail.
Meanwhile my quest to find out why a woman would want to be a Muslim continues...
It seems that officials in Saudi Arabia are considering banning women from saying prayers near Islam's most sacred shrine in Mecca. Some people say women are already being kept away. Women already have few rights in this country. They aren't allowed to drive. They have to get permission from a man just to get a job, travel or stay at a hotel. But the religious authorities behind this thing claim it's just an effort to ease chronic overcrowding, which causes dangerous riots.
If this is the case, why target just women? Since women are barely allowed to leave the house in this country, most of those making up the crowds must be men. So why not just set up remote prayer sites and allow no more than a certain number of the faithful to pray at each site? This could disperse the crowds over a larger area, perhaps for miles if necessary. Of course this would take them a distance from the Grand Mosque. But surely if the leading imams said this was okay that would be good enough for most pilgrims.
In the article it's implied that they want to do it because they're afraid that the sight of a woman praying will cause the men to riot. As one woman countered
"Women are not all young beauties that rush to the mosque with an aim of seducing men," wrote one woman, Aziza al-Manie, in the country's Okaz daily.
"Among female visitors are the ill, the old, tormented widows, the handicapped and disabled, and the ones with problems desperately wanting God's help and mercy," she wrote, according to a translation in Arab News.
So first we have the burqas, then restrictions, and now this. The implication seems to be that Arab men are such horney so-and-sos that the sight of a woman, any woman, drives them insane with lust. Maybe I'm naive, but I just don't believe that.
The authorities are saying that although the women's areas would be further back they would be much larger and have a better view of the shrine. When I read that I keep hearing in my mind "Why yes, we only let them ride in the back of the bus. But it's really nice there."
True, this is only in one country. But Saudi Arabia is an Islamic state, ruled by sharia. So it's a good example of the Islamic mindset. Historian Hatoon al-Fassi says it probably won't happen because the rest of the Muslim world should make the decision, not just Saudi Arabia. And a group of Muslim women writers are sponsoring a petition against it. So hopefully the more moderate will prevail.
Meanwhile my quest to find out why a woman would want to be a Muslim continues...
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Musings on Women in the Pulpit
Yesterday a family friend invited us to a service at the church to which she belongs - the only Assembly of God church in town. We accepted. It was nothing definite, just "Sometime we'll try to go". I think we'll try to make an evening service some Sunday.
Our children are young and impressionable, so I had to make sure this church would be suitably in line with our family's beliefs. So as soon as I could I checked out the Assemblies of God website. What was most important? The views of the church on Scripture? A biggie, but I already had a pretty good idea of that, so I skipped it. The church's views on sexual morality? No. The first thing I looked at was the one great, make-or-break issue (well, almost): Do the Assemblies of God ordain women to the pastoral ministry?
Is womens' ordination really that important? Well, yes.
But it wasn't always this way. My mother, a devoted Catholic, was almost violently against the idea of women priests. Since Catholic doctrine teaches that the priest is alter Christi another Christ, a female priest was, to her, to make God into a goddess.
I really didn't care. I felt no calling to the ministry. I once told my mother, "I can't see why a woman would want to be a priest. Nor why a man would, either." With little human companionship and almost no time to himself, only parishioners who were never happy no matter what he did, a priest had to be an insatible masochist.
The young seminarians I met did not improve my view of the priesthood. Most were young gay men trying to escape their sexuality and be pleasing to God.
I loved the Catholic Church, and I read everything I could find. As I grew and learned, I came to see that as a Catholic woman I would always be a second-class citizen. I could teach canon law (if the Pope of the time would allow) but I could never write canon law. No matter how I studied or how much ability I possessed I would never be anything but a layperson, the lowest form of life in the Church. I could serve in an advisory capacity as a parish council member but the priest would always be the boss. Even a deacon has imput at the parish level. Even if God were to bless me with the blueprint to reform the Church, I could only pray that He would give this idea to a man.
Later I left the Catholic Church. My reasons were many but women's ordination wasn't one of them. For a time I attended an Episcopal church. This was the first time I actually saw a woman in the pulpit.
I recently read a blog in which the blogger wrote that he saw many women preachers, but seldom a good one. My experience was the opposite. The few times I saw a woman at the altar I expected something extraordinary, and I was never disappointed.
The Episcopal church is still my first love, and I miss it terribly. But I live in a small Texas town, and the nearest one is fifteen miles away, too far to afford the drive. The Methodist church is one of the few un-Southern-Baptist churches around, so we attend that. The minister is a man. The minister is a man. I've never seen a woman minister here. I'm not sure the most conservative members wouldn't stone her. But I can dream.
Most of all I want a church where my daughter won't feel silenced and unworthy, like some other women I've known. If she never feels a call to the ministry, that's fine. But if she should, I want her to be able to follow wherever God takes her. I want her to be a first-class citizen in the Kingdom of God.
Our children are young and impressionable, so I had to make sure this church would be suitably in line with our family's beliefs. So as soon as I could I checked out the Assemblies of God website. What was most important? The views of the church on Scripture? A biggie, but I already had a pretty good idea of that, so I skipped it. The church's views on sexual morality? No. The first thing I looked at was the one great, make-or-break issue (well, almost): Do the Assemblies of God ordain women to the pastoral ministry?
Is womens' ordination really that important? Well, yes.
But it wasn't always this way. My mother, a devoted Catholic, was almost violently against the idea of women priests. Since Catholic doctrine teaches that the priest is alter Christi another Christ, a female priest was, to her, to make God into a goddess.
I really didn't care. I felt no calling to the ministry. I once told my mother, "I can't see why a woman would want to be a priest. Nor why a man would, either." With little human companionship and almost no time to himself, only parishioners who were never happy no matter what he did, a priest had to be an insatible masochist.
The young seminarians I met did not improve my view of the priesthood. Most were young gay men trying to escape their sexuality and be pleasing to God.
I loved the Catholic Church, and I read everything I could find. As I grew and learned, I came to see that as a Catholic woman I would always be a second-class citizen. I could teach canon law (if the Pope of the time would allow) but I could never write canon law. No matter how I studied or how much ability I possessed I would never be anything but a layperson, the lowest form of life in the Church. I could serve in an advisory capacity as a parish council member but the priest would always be the boss. Even a deacon has imput at the parish level. Even if God were to bless me with the blueprint to reform the Church, I could only pray that He would give this idea to a man.
Later I left the Catholic Church. My reasons were many but women's ordination wasn't one of them. For a time I attended an Episcopal church. This was the first time I actually saw a woman in the pulpit.
I recently read a blog in which the blogger wrote that he saw many women preachers, but seldom a good one. My experience was the opposite. The few times I saw a woman at the altar I expected something extraordinary, and I was never disappointed.
The Episcopal church is still my first love, and I miss it terribly. But I live in a small Texas town, and the nearest one is fifteen miles away, too far to afford the drive. The Methodist church is one of the few un-Southern-Baptist churches around, so we attend that. The minister is a man. The minister is a man. I've never seen a woman minister here. I'm not sure the most conservative members wouldn't stone her. But I can dream.
Most of all I want a church where my daughter won't feel silenced and unworthy, like some other women I've known. If she never feels a call to the ministry, that's fine. But if she should, I want her to be able to follow wherever God takes her. I want her to be a first-class citizen in the Kingdom of God.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Knitting and Everything Else
Trying to write about Asperger's Syndrome and other things that irritate me hasn't been working. It's just too dark, depressing and...irritating. So I'm going to try writing about things I enjoy...at least sometimes. One thing I enjoy presently is knitting, so I'll be writing quite a bit about that. I'll still be writing about Asperger's, politics and many other things. All of it is part of me and it's not going away.
But this is part of me too. So let's run it up and see what happens.
Here is my main knitting project at the moment.
Hopefully it will one day be a sock for my husband. It's big, but so is his foot. And he likes a loose fit. I'm knitting it on a size 1 cable needle using the Magic Loop method. The yarn is Cascade Fixation. I've read about Fixation almost being sock yarn heaven but this is the first time I've tried it. So far I'm really enjoying it. The stretch makes it quick and easy to knit. Also, it's more forgiving of my uneven stitches.
My knitting is loopy, just like me. Today I was watching a commercial for an upcoming movie. Three people are in a car. They're being stopped by police when the driver yells "Pretend you're normal!" He must know me.
But this is part of me too. So let's run it up and see what happens.
Here is my main knitting project at the moment.
Hopefully it will one day be a sock for my husband. It's big, but so is his foot. And he likes a loose fit. I'm knitting it on a size 1 cable needle using the Magic Loop method. The yarn is Cascade Fixation. I've read about Fixation almost being sock yarn heaven but this is the first time I've tried it. So far I'm really enjoying it. The stretch makes it quick and easy to knit. Also, it's more forgiving of my uneven stitches.
My knitting is loopy, just like me. Today I was watching a commercial for an upcoming movie. Three people are in a car. They're being stopped by police when the driver yells "Pretend you're normal!" He must know me.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Once Again...I'm Gonna Do This Thing
I'm saying it again. I'm going to start blogging regularly.
This time I'll really try to stick with it. Of course I will. Just like I did the last time. It's difficult for me to write. Actually, it's emotionally painful. I'm a perfectionist gone off the rails. I constantly fight a compulsion to go back...to constantly proofread and re-do. Of course this would improve my writing, but if I give in I'll never get anything written at all.
I'm not "normal" and I never will be. But I still need to express myself even as though I were normal. Here I can gather my thoughts and parcel them out as clearly and as well as I can.
Once again, welcome to all..to anyone who wants to share the journey.
This time I'll really try to stick with it. Of course I will. Just like I did the last time. It's difficult for me to write. Actually, it's emotionally painful. I'm a perfectionist gone off the rails. I constantly fight a compulsion to go back...to constantly proofread and re-do. Of course this would improve my writing, but if I give in I'll never get anything written at all.
I'm not "normal" and I never will be. But I still need to express myself even as though I were normal. Here I can gather my thoughts and parcel them out as clearly and as well as I can.
Once again, welcome to all..to anyone who wants to share the journey.
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